Daniel P Spengler in Benbrook, Dallas, Forth Worth, Texas
I got this email from a friend about her marriage/divorce. I think it’s worth sharing about this asshole:
“As far as money being a point of contention in our marriage, yes it was. You know why? Because Daniel came into our marriage without disclosing that he had nearly 50k in debt (credit cards and his motorcycle). And he then immediately bought an old sports car, ebook readers, an ipad, new phones and gadgets every month (serious ask him how many cell phones he had in the past year) just to throw them away when he saw something new or better. All within the first few months of being married. I had SCHOOL debt, and medical debt from the previous year and made it a point to be honest and told him everything before we got married. Before we got married he had joked endlessly about making me file bankruptcy over 10k because I was such a screw up financially apparently. So you can imagine my shock to learn he had been hiding such a big thing from me.
I made us a budget to pay off our debt and he HATED it and that’s where the arguments started. He didn’t “clamp” down on his spending until after I got sick of arguing over it and separated our finances. He only took action because he didn’t have me supporting him anymore and paying his bills. I easily make 20k more a year than he did (not to mention he lost his job for 3 months last year) before he started working at the church…(a job I got him because I had had started us volunteering at the church media department and talked to the HR lady for him). He lives in his own reality. I have bought barely anything but food, groceries and gas since January. The only time I spent money was at a-kon with him, where I spent maybe $100. And yet he’s still running around buying MP3 players, watches, computers, $100 hats and camping gear, new hard drives, and planning vacations. Really? And he blames me for his financial issues?
To top it off, he lived with me from February to May and never paid a dime of the rent or bills except for food. When he left he had to move home to his parents because he can’t afford a place of his own. Exactly how is that my fault? If I was the problem, the he should have been fine after we separated finances nearly a year ago. It’s all bullshit and failure to take responsibility for his own actions.
And I am aware he tells everyone I “purposely” got off my medication right after our marriage or some bullshit. What he neglects to tell you all is that he spent the first 2 months of our marriage berating me for being a “drug addict” and “whacked out on pills” so I started cutting back because I thought that was what HE WANTED. Not to mention, I was the happiest I had ever been in years, I had just gotten married…things were looking good. Even my friends/family were suggesting I transition off the medication. And honestly, I thought Daniel would be loving and encouraging and help me through the transition. What he did instead was FLUSH all my medication down the toilet, making me go cold turkey – which isn’t healthy for anybody and ended up causing serious health issues for me that lasted for MONTHS.
Daniel also completely changed overnight once we were married. The man who would talk to me, hold my hand, cuddle, make love (without me begging for it), completely vanished. It’s like he had a split personality between whom I dated and who was my husband. He ignored me completely… I’d come home from work and he wouldn’t even take his headphones off or look away from his computer to say hi. He’d sit as far away from me as possible (on the floor on the opposite side of the room). Just in general, very COLD unloving behavior that was opposite of what I had experienced when we were dating/engaged. I asked him for a date night, but it never happened. He’d act jealous/hurt if I went out without him and it made me feel guilty. We stopped having a social life at all. He wanted to stay at home all the time, which I don’t think is healthy – you need friends and time apart. Daniel then also spent the first few months after our wedding locking me out of our apartment anytime we had an argument, completely ignoring me for weeks on end, etc. He also pretty much refused to have sex with me unless it was BDSM involved – which then transitioned into him video/photographing me and sending those photos to his friend Josh without my consent (I assumed it was just fantasy) and telling me when Josh came to Texas in a month he wanted to “share” me with Josh and all sorts of perverted stuff (I have proof, copies of his emails to Josh) – and when I finally realized he WAS serious and it wasn’t some fantasy we had a huge argument. He then COMPLETELY ignored me emotionally, physically, and every way possible from then on. So yes, I admit I lost it and wasn’t myself after all that emotional abuse and being forced to go cold turkey on my meds… But by that August I wanted to go to an inpatient facility (to voluntarily check myself in because I knew I needed it AND a chance to get away from him) and he WOULD NOT LET ME, because he didn’t want to have to pay for it. He followed this with endless arguments because every month he would LIE about the same shit, he also liked disappearing for days at a time whenever we had a fight, leaving me at Christmas by myself, started an argument on the night of our anniversary RIGHT AFTER we had renewed our vows, etc.
He TOLD ME he wanted children – and that he wanted to try. But every single month during my “fertile days” he would flat our refuse or make excuses not to have sex with me. I told him to forget about it, we would just have kids later or adopt – and he’d argue with me saying I didn’t trust him, like I was the bad guy. If I’d get a stomach flu or similar, he’d suggest maybe I was pregnant, like it was morning sickness – like it was even possible that I was pregnant when he refused to sleep with me?? It was like some twisted game to him, and it hurt and upset me a lot. Finally, EIGHT months later, he admits he LIED and didn’t want kids – so why did we have to have that perpetual fight EVERY single month?? Why when one of the many times I offered to stop “trying” (not that we were ever hitting the fertile days) did he not just agree? He could have ended that bullshit anytime, but he got some sick joy out of those arguments apparently.
I begged him to go to marriage counseling in December, he refused. Needless to say, when I finally did go to an inpatient facility in January, every single counselor there told me he was emotionally abusive and I needed to get away from him.
I came home, and because I loved him and wanted to give it another chance I let him move back in with me (bill free remember) and he convinced me he wanted to work on things. Instead, he spent 4 months playing WoW (a video game) every evening instead of working on communicating with me. It was like living with a roommate who doesn’t pay rent. He also thought the way to handle an argument was to cut me off and ignore me completely for days or weeks. And then he would blame me for being so angry and hurt by that point that I was “crazy.” I’m sorry – you don’t just ignore people you claim to love – nor should an adult mature person simply run away from the problems in life. When I could get him to open up to communication to handle a problem – his method of “handling” it involved interrupting me every ½ sentence until I can’t take it, so that then he can blame me for being angry and go back to ignoring me. I repeatedly asked him not to do this, but he would purposely do it every time. So obviously, things only got worse between us.
The reason we are divorcing? My some miracle in April, when we had only slept together ONCE, I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage in June and he flat out abandoned me in the hospital to have surgery by myself. I had to drive myself there, hemorrhaging blood. This is after marriage counseling started that he did this. Counseling I proactively set up for us and had to beg him to go. He only went to counseling with me twice, and the first time he walked out after the first 15 minutes because the counselor agreed with me, and it made him angry.
However, he comes back again, immediately gets me pregnant again because he won’t use a condom as I requested (and I couldn’t be on the pill yet because of the previous miscarriage until my hormones were normal again – a fact he KNEW).
Then, seeing as I was pregnant again and did not want the SAME THING to happen… I told him how it was not a very loving husband to abandon your wife in a hospital like that, especially when she was pregnant with YOUR child. I demanded an apology and reassurance that it would not happen again. His response was to LAUGH AT ME. When I got upset and said I wanted reassurance he wouldn’t do it again he then yelled at me that he wont “feel guilty and manipulated” by me. Who does that? He has since refused to speak to me ever again. What did I do except ask him to act like a decent human being and take care of me when I was having surgery? Wouldn’t you do that even for a FRIEND? And I was his wife carrying his child, of course I needed to know he was going to take care of me and protect his child and I both. He then ignored me for 5 days after that argument and I admit I got really angry. Everyone I knew was telling me I shouldn’t be with such an emotionally abusive person who thought it was okay to laugh about leaving his wife in the hospital. Everyone told me to get an abortion rather than deal with a man who disappears rather than admits he was wrong…. he would never be there for the kid. THAT was the argument he chose to end our marriage over and abandon his kid over.
He complains about me emailing him now, but all I have asked him is to go back to counseling with me. He won’t read them though, and he’s blocked my phone number so that he can’t even hear about his child. I gave him sonogram pictures and he left them shredded on my doorstep. I realize I’ve probably tried too hard trying to get him to care about his own child by contacting him, somewhere I keep hoping deep down is that man I dated that I loved so much, but now I am beginning to think that was all a con.
I have since offered him continued to offer him reconciliation and that I want our child to have a father in her life (I am still pregnant obviously) and for us to continue counseling. He refuses and says he doesn’t want his family.
He has also turned it around claiming that I cheated on him – which is based on the idea that A YEAR and half ago during one of the MANY times he locked me out, and was shouting at me that he was divorcing me and packing his things—while locked out I had an ex contact me one night. But I didn’t sleep with the ex, absolutely nothing of the sort happened. I had the ex certainly TRY to get me to… but I SAID NO and walked away from it because I CHOSE DANIEL, even if he was divorcing me. A situation that NEVER would have happened if Daniel had not LOCKED me out and said he was 100% intent on divorcing me. I then made a mistake in loving and being so willing to be honest and trustworthy that later when Daniel conceded he did not want a divorce – I told him about what happened. He jumped to his own false conclusions. Now a YEAR AND A HALF later (after saying for that entire time that he forgave me for talking to the ex), he’s saying I cheated and THAT’s the reason he’s divorcing me – Really? a year and half to come to that conclusion? a year and a half of lying saying it was forgiven (in which we renewed our vows and everything)????? That makes no sense. If he really did believe I cheated (which to be clear, I did not… he wouldn’t have even known I had talked to the ex if I hadn’t been honest and trustworthy in the first place by telling him about it)… then he just looks like a fool either way. It makes NO SENSE.
He’s just grasping at straws trying to find a “christian” reason to divorce me (b/c he laughably still calls him self a religious person, despite the fact his behavior is the exact opposite), rather than simply do what he should have in the first place and tell me he knew it was wrong to leave me in the hospital when I called him for help, in which case – if he had – we would have continued counseling and all the improvements we made in June would have only continued to get better. He has so much pride he will not let go of – so he’s trying to slander my character instead with false accusations to make himself feel better. It’s just sad.
Every single one of my friends and family who have met him thinks he is a sociopath, which is funny to me because he likes to call me psychotic and crazy. I can admit my own faults, I know as our marriage progressed I started having anger issues and issues with depression again – but as my counselors have told me – nearly anyone would have after being treated the way I was treated. At least I’m working on fixing it (I mean come on – I checked myself into inpatient for depression – that takes some honesty with yourself and faults), Daniel just continues to live in his denial and anger and self-righteous bullshit.
And I’m still willing to start over with him, because despite all that has happened I have hope, and I love him unconditionally, or I never would have said those vows (or renewed them in March – his idea, ironically). I love him enough to forget all of it, believe we can be a family.
Sorry for my very long rant, but I am so sick of his delusional bullshit that he keeps telling all of my friends and family, and random people on the internet… when the proof says otherwise (and I have hard proof – text messages, chats, bank statements, everything.). If he wants to talk about it publicly, so can I.